Heels on Tuesday

My husband recently approached me about the two of us collaborating on some writing. I love to write and thought that the idea sounded spectacular, so he asked me what I was an expert on....Um expert??? I can unload a dishwasher in exactly one minute, I know how to clean urine off a mattress, I make  mean squash soup, the list really goes on and on.

This actually did to lead to some deep thinking on my part. Here is my resume:
I have a bachelor of Science in Education and taught fourth grade for four years

I have taught group fitness for almost fifteen years and have done some personal training off and on for the last four years.

Experience, yes? Expertise?  Probably not.

When my oldest daughter was born we made the decision that I would be a full time, stay at home mom. With all my heart I believe this has been the best decision that we have made. Having three children in four years took up a lot of time, energy, money, and sleep. Not to mention that fact that my hard working husband has worked a lot of crazy hours supporting this family while building his career. However, make no mistake about it, sacrifices were made to be home with my clan. Financially, emotionally, and professionally.

I suppose I had a bit of an idealized version of what my life would look like before I plunged into the mom world. I have a burning desire to get my masters in counseling and would love to combine my love of fitness and health with helping people understand themselves.  Over the years I have looked at masters programs, asked questions of the experts, and even took one graduate class online. I know that I have the capacity and the drive to get it done, maybe just not right now.

We all make sacrifices. I'm sure all of us have heard the saying, "You can have it all, just not all at the same time." Maybe, but perhapse the sacrifices we make sometimes have a lasting effect, maybe I will never have the career of my dreams. Maybe I will, who knows? I don't want to be one of those people who think that I am always making the right decisions and  am happy with every decision I have made. A wise woman (my momma) once said, "I used to think that I lived a life without regret, but now I see that if I could go back and change a few things I would. But I did the best that I could."

There is a part of me that misses the respect and professionalism that comes with a strong career, the part of me that wants a reason to wear heels on a Tuesday. I'm not going to brush that part of me aside and ignore her. Instead I will listen and empathize with the career woman within me; tell her I am doing the best I can at this moment, put on a pair of heels and head to the park.

What about you?

Joy Comes in the Morning

I weighed myself yesterday. Big mistake. It was kind of like finding out that your car needs a new transmission the same day your a/c goes out in the house. It was not exactly the number I had been hoping for. So, this piled on top of a lot of other garbage we'd been dealing with, did not make for a real fantastic day. I decided instead to stay in my sweaty gym clothes eating candy corn. Luckily, after a good cry, a shower, a deep brushing of my teeth, and a solid eight hours of sleep the world started looking a bit brighter. An hour of cardio today helped as well.

Here is what I learned, it's okay to have a day that sucks. Its okay to not look on the bright side every once in a while. I know that at times I can be a little co-dependent. I have a tendency to carry the happiness of others on my shoulders, as a wife and a mom it is often a requirement of the job. There are a lot of people depending on me. But I can only hold it together so long, eventually my happy bubble will burst and spew forth bubble gum flavored sewage. Yesterday the number on the scale was that pin. 

The problem is that I have a bit of an issue with weight and body image. It's kind of a big deal in my life, something I have spent a lot of emotional energy trying to heal, and all of a sudden I felt like I was back to square one.  I couldn' t believe a number on the scale still had that kind of control over my happiness. But guess what? It doesn't! It was just a bad day.

My favorite verse in the bible is in Psalms, "Though sorrow may last through the night, joy comes in the morning." Life isn't always beautiful and happy, and even though I know my blessings are countless, there are days when the ugly parts of seem to satrurate all that is good. On those kinds of days, maybe it's okay to be real with ourselves and acknowledge that we're not doing so well. I believe there is a place for sorrow, a time to let tears flow, a time to eat candy corn in sweats. Because with the rising of the sun, joy will begin to rise in our hearts and a new day will dawn.

Good Enough

I've been thinking lately about perception. I am striving to see the best in people and understand that we all have good days and bad, and that behind every jerk is probably a scared little kid.I am trying to choose kindness over rightness, and love over fear.

I'm doing a pretty good job of this with other people, it's easy to accept others shortcomings, because ultimately they affect their lives not mine. However, treating myself with the same love is more of a challenge. It seems I always see the ways that I screw up, or how I almost most get things right. My mind tends to focus on what I've done wrong rather than celebrating what I've done right.

So, in the practice of changing my perceptions I decided to create a list of the things I have done if not right, good enough. I present:

 My Good Enough List

1.  I wear sunscreen, most days, at least on my face

2.  My children eat homemade whole wheat waffles, covered in imitation maple syrup.

3.  I eat right, with a diet full of veggies, fiber, lean protein, pretzels, wine, and popcorn

4.  I exercise a lot

5.  My husband and I have a pretty great relationship and he is my very best friend.

6.  I am good at saving money, I always buy what I don't need when it is on sale.

7.  I keep a pretty clean and organized house which leads to number 8

8.  I try not to let my kids watch too much TV

9.  I take my kids to the park and love to watch them play

10. I am a good listener and true friend, even from a 1000 miles away

And then there is number 11, which although they exhaust me, and I usually feel like I am failing more than succeeding, I think they are pretty amazing.

Perfection? It's all in your perception.

Growing Up is Hard to Do

I have decided that being a grown-up is way overrated. I always said that I was the kind of person that would not go back to being a kid again. I love how getting older leads to a better understanding of myself and I honestly like myself much better as an adult way more than I did as a kid. But I must admit I am starting to rethink my stance.

Okay, I do think I am more well rounded as a thirty-three year old woman, and I am sure  glad that I don't have acne or am covered in a layer of "baby fat." I am incredibly thankful that I don't have to worry about what to wear to school in order to get into gym clothes as quickly as possible, or if Ryan Stewart thinks I'm the prettiest girl in fourth grade.  There are some very strong advantages to being a grown-up.

But as an adult I am suddenly faced with the reality that life is happening around me, this is it. We get one shot to make a difference in the lives of our friends, families, the world around us. To be the person that we were created to be.

That's kind of a lot of pressure.

I am struggling to find a way to live out my convictions all the while fulfilling my responsibilites as a functioning adult. How do I fulfill my destiny while I am scrubbing toilets and cooridinating carpool?

It may not be a simple answer, it may not even be the right answer. But one of wisest, most kind-hearted men I know (who also happens to be my father-in-law, friend, and mentor), has given me an idea of what it may be. LOVE. To simply love people, not because they are loveble, or even deserve it, but because they are my fellow man.

I may no longer be able to hop on a plane and join the Peace Corp. But here's the deal; the mom in my playgroup, the grocery store clerk, and the four people I live with every day, have just as an infinite need to be loved as the indigenous peoples of the world. I can be the person who takes the time to listen and understand those around me and to offer them the love that has changed my life. The kind of love that doesn't judge or expect anything in return, but instead offers a safe place to land in a a pretty rocky world.

 So today I say to you, live long and love well.

Home is Where the Heart Is

So, this is me and my beautiful first born, Maya. She is my only daughter,and has two crazy little brothers that are probably destroying something as I write. Originally I wanted to create a blog that was going to be awe inspiring, life changing, and spiritually satisfying. What I have decided is that what I really want to do is just write about my life and all the ups and downs that it entails. I am not going to strive to be poetic or philosophical, instead I have decided to just be real.  Which leads me to my first actual subject matter.

We moved to Phoenix about five months ago from the midwest, from the land of four seasons, rolling hills and prairie, to a land of sunshine, two seasons, mountains, and desert.  I love it here. I love the blue sky; I love looking at the horizon and the amazing mountains in the distance. I adore the sunshine, even though it brings with it heat that lasts and lasts....I also love meeting new people and having independence. I have especially loved the connection that my husband and I have as we take on the unknown.

But I miss home and all that home is. Yes, my home is my husband, my three beautiful children, and most of all my God. But home is also having the kind of friend you can call and invite yourself over for coffee. It is knowing where Jiffy Lube is when you need an oil change, or where everything is at the grocery store. For me, it is knowing which way is north and south since I have no sense of direction. It's seeing a place from your past and being brought back to sixteen years old in an instant.

Life is an adventure and I'm learning that my plan is really no plan at all. I'm learning that when I let go of my plan I can actually enjoy what is going on around me.  I'm learning to accept the moments of sadness that creep in and make me yearn for home and to relish the moments of joy and see all that is new for me to behold.

I am not sure what the future will bring, but I believe with all that is in me that no matter what, it will be good.